I get to know Him few years back and I fell in love with Him. But time and time again I just couldn't commit in this relationship. And hence, I left Him and went back to Him for many times. But after that, I realised I still want to go back to Him. He is that kind of life i want to lead, I made a decision and went back to Him. Life became more meaningful and purposeful. I begin to be very optimistic and always believe in myself and Him.

Initially, everything was smooth and good. I was able to do the unexpected and amazing things for Him. I thought this time. I am able to stay with Him for good. But, since don't know when, I find Him too good for me that I don't deserve His goodness.

A leopard can't change its spots. A tiger can't change its hunting nature. And I can never change for good. Its just me and my nature. I tried so hard to pull myself up. but end up, I realise I can't. I tried many times but i still failed. It start to feel really lousy staying with Him. It feels terrible facing Him. I think and I thought. I ask myself what I want? My answer is Him. But, my conscience says you can't. you can't do it. To continue to remain stagnant like this, I feel even lousier. Hence, I made this decision to give up on Him. Give up is never a word i will use. But is never a word i like to use. Excuses are not what i would use.

But deep in my heart there are just stuffs I can't put down. It really hurts to make this decision. And it hurts to leave the one i love. I seriously can't bear to leave Him. To me, giving up on Him is like giving up on everything. because I won't have faith to pursue the things I like. I won't have someone to rely on. I won't have strength to persist on. I won't be able to believe in myself like before. Somehow, I know along the way I may regret this decision but a promise to myself since the day i went back to Him. This would be the last chance. If I still choose to leave, I will never go back to Him again. Even if it doesn't pleases Him. I don't want to take Him for granted. No matter what happen in future, its my decision. Even if i have to bear the worse consequence, I'm prepared for it and i deserve it.

Its actually not that complicated but because of my pride, my selfishness, my self centeredness. I complicate stuffs. I make things difficult for myself. Even if one day I am able to put down this bearer, I will not go back to Him anymore. and this is the last promise out of myself again. Although it is really silly.

I am sorry.